the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
