wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
