I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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