Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just high enough for therapy.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
