the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
