theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
