The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
