Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
