Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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