It was confusing and full of hummus
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
