Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
