So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
