Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
