i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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