That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
