nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
