I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
