Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
