Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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