oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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