I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
