Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
