I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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