I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
