he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
