My sheets look like a crime scene.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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