That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
