I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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