He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
