Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
