Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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