You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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