take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
