im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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