My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
