I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
