there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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