Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
