Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize