drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
