I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
smell my finger.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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