never play flip cup with pint glasses
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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