I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
