why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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