all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
