I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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