How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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