I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
