one word: firstdatebathroomanal
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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