At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
