That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
