Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
But theres a keg here and me gusta
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
