I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize