Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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