According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
