Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We are two peas in an std pod
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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