I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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