my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
