i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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