when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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