hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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