Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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