i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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