My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He shit in the fireplace
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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