I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
