I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
