Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
