I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
They took my balls.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Randomize
